


black and white

by Calvera_draconis



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Abusive Parents, Crossdressing Hinata Shouyou, Dark, Depressed Hinata Shouyou, Hinata Shouyou is Sunshine, Hurt Hinata Shouyou, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Multi, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-12
Updated: 2019-06-08
Packaged: 2020-01-11 23:33:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18434420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Calvera_draconis/pseuds/Calvera_draconis
Summary: Hinata Shouyou lives alone for the most part, at home with his cat who brings him comfort yet that doesn't mean he's all that happy. Being the extrovert he is, he craves talking and being around with people he can make friends with anyone if he did his best.Though, there is only so much loneliness you can take before your heart snaps and your now black and white.





	1. silence

**Author's Note:**

> My first fanfic wow okay, I'm not the best at this so like here me out. I'm trying my best, my friend told me not to make this one-shot so im not, but I actually had this cool idea where Shouyou's mom is a model who moved to LA leaving Shouyou alone because he didn't want to come as he found his education, volleyball career, and friends were important. He didn't want to be forced into a spoiled rich kids life which is what his sister is living right now.
> 
> This makes him extremely jealous and hurt because he feels forgotten, his mom doesn't answer his text nor calls, his sister gloats and brags about getting everything she wants without working for it, and his mom's boyfriend doesn't even notice him.
> 
> If you are not able to deal with cutting (warning for later) than don't read this. It'll probably get worse before it gets better. Yes, I'm making this bb suffer cause I'm cruel this way.
> 
> All anxiety, depression issues are based on my experience(that I'm still going through sadly) and the cutting part as well. 
> 
> I take constructive criticism as I know damn well my writing style needs some work but I'll try. 
> 
> How canon do you think it is that Oikawa uses emoticons?

It hurt to raise up and get out of bed even though the sunlight streamed through the room as though it was a clock itself and striking its alarm. The birds could faintly be heard as they sang in the morning, their melodies high like a ringtone. The air was crisp yet bitter at the same time from the cold temperature, it was winter after all so there was nothing new to expect. He raised himself up on the bed. His eyes dull, running a hand through his orange curls that made him relax slightly before, looking around the room that needed to be cleaned soon, maybe this weekend he could clean the house again - he hated when this place got messy anyway.

 

He stood up shaking as he leaned onto the desk that was situated under the window, opening the glass panes and letting in the air that felt free. It was soothing, he could breath free than choke on the air in this house that always made him choke. He shuddered at the cold wind that chilled him to his bones even through the thick long sleeve he wore that was a size too big but he didn't mind. He loved the faint, worn-out light blue with its interesting designs but all in all it was comfy. 

 

He smiled softly and pulled his head back inside the house, reaching to grab his phone that was situated on the desk charging by his laptop. He grabbed the iPhone he knew and loved before unlocking it, looking at the message his sister sent him with a picture and captain along with it.

 

Natsu - The weather here is great in LA! I can't believe you have to deal with the snow.

 

The picture was of the azure blue sky and his breath hitched, but he knew it couldn't beat Miyagi because he loved the winter, the wilderness, Karasuno, and his friends. Natsu made it a habit to text him, but they were usually just a sentence long and always self-centered. Asking him about her outfit choice, things she bought, it was always her, her, her.

 

He remembered rejecting the offer to be brought over countless times, saying he wanted to stay and play volleyball with his friends which only made his mother scowled and she stopped asking him as soon as he was in high school. He hadn't heard her voice in a while though, she was probably too busy or in all honesty didn't care about him enough to ask how he was doing and if he was taking care of the house.

 

While they lived in LA because of mom's job she made sure to pay the bills and money for his basic needs that were the agreement they had after all. Though when he had the time he would take shifts at the coffee shop to earn a bit of extra cash, he didn't mind it as the manager was really kind when he asked. But, 

 

It was lonely. 

 

It was so utterly lonely in this household with no one to talk too, no one to cook for, no one to say “goodbye” or “ I Love you” before you left the house instead it was just him and his cat. 

 

He had found the cat on the street, battered and bruised, she was unkempt and clean, but as soon as he laid eyes on her he fell in love and instantly brought her home. She didn't like him at first always biting and scratching if he got near but soon she warmed up to him and they kept each other company. Snuggling he learned, was one of her favorite things so he let her climb over him, kneed at his stomach, and sometimes (mostly with pain) climb up over him while he slept. 

 

He eventually named her Hikari or in English the word light because she brought light to him each time he arrived home in the household greeted by her rubbing against his legs till he picked her up. 

 

If he wasn't doing house chores he would either be playing volleyball, studying and doing homework, cuddling with his cat (usually while studying), playing video games, and or skyping. If he was going over to Kenma’s for the weekend he would always bring her since Kenma didn't mind he actually liked her. He had cats off his own (no surprise there) but Hikari would veer away from them and stay cuddled by Shouyou. He admitted that it was cute and he had a few of those moments framed and set out in the living room so he could look at them next to the pictures of Natsu and his mom. 

 

He sauntered downstairs as he made sure to keep quiet, Hikari was probably still asleep but she usually awoke when he was making food. His eyes looking around the dark house before he walked into the kitchen and flipped on the lights looking inside the western kitchen. Its countertops were quartz, pearly and a bright white, white backslash below the cyan cabinets that were around. It had a double sink with those movable faucets and an island in the middle of the wide kitchen adorned with 5 chairs that were under the island. The flooring had shifted into a wood that got slippery when he spelled liquid but it wasn't as cold as the stone that was the rest of the house.

 

The house had been remodeled or rather rebuilt to a modern physique and he was wondering how much it had cost cause the house looked completely new by the time they were done. It had been done as soon as Natsu and mom moved to America when he was just in middle school (1st year), she had taken a liking to the houses and with her now advanced paycheck from modeling she was in, she was able to afford it and renovated the house much to his disagreement. It basically meant switching out the cozy home feeling for something more modern and flashy. Adding more windows to let the natural light inside and more modern technology which he played around with and that was the bathroom lights were automatic and he often asked Alexa to play a sound that reverberated throughout the house. Switching out the flooring for a stone that was way too cold so he always wore socks around the house that flowed through the first floor, changing out the furniture, and all in all making it more aesthetic and pressing to the eye. Even if they never came home, the whole place looked new and refurbished but he didn't mind and just took care of it. 

 

Shouyou grabbed the square pan and set it down on the counter before opening the fridge and grabbing the milk, eggs, cheese, and the seaweed. He usually added ingredients to his Tamagoyaki as he found it more flavorful than just the basic egg that he used to cook. He soon reached into the freezer, pulling out the small package of salmon he had bought, closing the door that was freezing his face off before he opened the package at the 2, big chunks of salmon. He grabbed one and rewrapped the other salmon putting it into the freezer to cook another time. 

 

He got to work, cooking up the small breakfast as he shifted his gaze to the clock, it was 7 am, meaning he would have to bike to practice on a Saturday morning and he wasn't in the mood yet he had to grit through it. 

 

He watched the salmon sizzle on the pan, waiting it to cook as he left it a bit raw how Hikari liked it anyway as he saw the silver tabby strut into the kitchen and paw at her food bowl. Hinata smiled and removed the salmon off the pan and set it into the food dish before he whisked it away knowing she would burn herself from the slightly cooked but warm food. 

 

He cooked his meal next, adding the cheese and seaweed between intervals from each time he rolled up the omelet only to add another. He ran out of egg mix and rolled it setting it down on the plate as he added a small dash of salmon roe on top. He cut it up and watched in pleasure as the cheese was stringily making him pull on it a bit before he just grabbed his chopsticks and carried his plate with Hikaru's food dish as well, to the living room. Flopping down on the pillow covered couch, placing his foot down and setting the food bowl down as he watched Hikaru dive into the salmon eagerly giggling as she had salmon dotted on her muzzle from eating.

 

He picked up his chopsticks and grabbed a piece of the Tamagoyaki popping one in his mouth as he munched quietly on it leaning back into the velvety, cream couch enjoying the soft comfort of the rug under his feet. His eyes trailing up at the roof that stretched higher than he could ever jump with the 3 balls that had holes in them at different sizes yet could light up, hanging down from the ceiling as he couldn't help but smile. 

 

Till he heard his alarm ring.

 

He yelped, forgetting that he had to get to practice but made no effort to move as he only just stood up and reached over to grab his phone. He should call in sick so he could stay home, though the feeling of betrayal for doing that knotted up his stomach he felt tired. He had overworked himself and he could feel and notice it from his lack of sleep, food, and overall just taking care of himself.

 

“Hikaru, what should I do?” He asked her, only getting a blank stare in return before she went back to grooming herself.

 

He sighed, leaning back on the couch and up at the ceiling. It was going to be an uneventful day.

 

He didn't go to practice, calling in saying his cat had got sick and he had to take her to the vet which was a lie but Takeda-sensei bought it. Much to his relief.

 

Now he was chilling in the empty household with nothing to do except for the echoing of his music. It was an English song his sister had recommended, what was it called again? Dirty Laundry? Yeah, that was it! He did admit he liked the song though, it had a nice beat to it and through the dull ache in his chest, he stood up and headed to the back of the house to wear the Piano was in the supposed-to-be-office area. 

 

It was a Grand Piano and through relentless promises, he had agreed to play still but out of fun and not competition. 

 

He smiled at her but he only stopped at the entrance way before he looked to the ground with a sad look dusted across his eyes, “It's getting more and lonely here, ” he admitted quietly biting at his fingernails out of habit. 

 

He should invite friends over, maybe cook and have some fun playing his Playstation system in the living room yet what ifs fluttered in his mind.

 

What if they think I'm just a spoiled rich kid?

 

How I'm living alone, would they ask questions as to why?

 

They wouldn't walk here though just for me it's too long of a walk.

 

Would they criticize me for my choice of wear?

 

I hate this.

 

I hate this so much.

 

I'm lonely but nobody cares about that.

 

Mom doesn't, her boyfriend doesn't, Natsu never visits anyway.

 

I'm lonely.

 

He cried, the tears coming softly till they overflowed and he fell to the ground, his hands clutching the big sweater that kept him warm right at his heart. He let out choked sobs, they racked his lungs as he struggled to breath feeling the familiar tightness in his throat as he breathed heavily. 

 

He hated having breakdowns, they hurt and left him an utter, crying mess. He could only just cry, letting out the emotions he kept hidden from the team and his classmates. 

 

Hikaru walked up to him, rubbing her cheek against the side of his bare legs to comfort him. She always did that when he was crying to remind him she was here to keep him safe and he was not forgotten and he was thankful for the comfort. 

 

His arms wrapped around the British Shorthair, his eyes squeezing shut as he held her close to his chest sobbing quietly slightly muffled by her fur. She didn't mind and only just kept silent letting him hold her and he soon began to calm down, letting his hold drop a bit as he placed her down on the stone and smiled. Reaching a handout and scratching behind her ear, hearing her purr and crave more of the attention. 

 

“Thanks, Hikaru, ” he murmured quietly, standing up as he rubbed the backside of his sleeve against his tear-stained cheeks. His face was puffy from crying but he managed a smile as he headed to the bathroom to clean up his face. Passing the kitchen and walking down the stairs to the half bathroom near the garage turning the corner as he opened the door.

 

The bathroom was nice, the flooring was the same as it was throughout the first floor, two sinks under the rectangle mirrors. He loved the bathtub materials it was a dark grey but it fit well with the sanded, light brown wood, of the cabinets, an opening at the bottom that had two towels underneath it. Adjacent to the bath was the shower, with clear glass and that movable shower things. He didn’t know what to call it really. 

 

The lights switched on as he let Hikaru follow him down, looking at his appearance with disdain. His hair was ruffled, a curly mess, his eyes puffy and most of his face red. He sighed and turned on the faucet letting the cold water run through his hands as he splashed it onto his face to clean his tear-stained face. 

 

Feeling as though he was done he turned the faucet off and walked out, heading back up the small flight of stairs as his feet hit the familiar cold stone before heading upstairs, he should go shopping to just pass the time even if it meant going out into the bitter morning though it was only just a quarter past 9. 

 

Though he had his own bedroom, he claimed the master bedroom for his own since it was his now. He headed down the wood hallway before opening the door to the bedroom and walked over to the closet that was a walk in. He made sure to keep this place clean so it could always look outstanding when he opened the door to take his breath away. 

 

He walked inside and looked at the drawers that lined the wall, opening them as he grabbed a thick white sweater much similar to the one he had on, skinny black jeans with a boot cut, and a set of his boxers. His gaze soon wavered to the hangers and he grabbed a light brown trench coat he had obtained at one of his moms modeling shoots when she had visited a bit back. (They asked him to model with her and he hated it but he followed suit anyway and nearly made the photographer swoon at his range of emotions.) 

 

He then headed to the shoes on the floor, bending down and squatting as he scanned over them before picking out black ankle boots with a thick, 3in heel. Unlike others, he liked to wear heels not because they made him feel tall but because of the way he looked in them, they had much of a variety and he liked to wear them in winter if the ice wasn't that bad. 

 

He walked out holding the clothes in his arm nearly dropping them as he laid them out of the bed and began to strip. Taking off the big sweater than his underwear as he began to put on the clothes with ease. Soon he was dressed, slipping on the ankle boots as he tightened the strap and stood up with a smile. He did a small spin giggling as he did so before walking over to the mirror and fixing up his ruffled hair, he already felt cozy with the clothes on. 

 

Grabbing his phone from the bed, he headed downstairs, grabbing the house key and his purse as he walked downstairs and into the garage, locking the garage door as he looked at the car that was situated there. A black Nissan and he absolutely hated it because who really wanted to drive and pay for that expensive parking anyway? Hell, he rather walks than deal with it, though it did come in handle sometimes when he went to the store to grab groceries he wasn't legally able to drive, he had claimed a permit when he visited LA when he was 15 but that meant he had to have an adult in the car. 

 

He sighed, opening the garage door before closing if on his way out. He could just walk to the station though he was in heels he had practice, he could last and he had a few painkillers on him if he stayed out too long. Pulling out his phone as had checked the time, 9:56 am, the practice was still going on so he didn't have to worry about them seeing in public with the outfit. He did actually, look like a girl but he didn't mind it and cherished the cold wind slapping him in the face and ruffling his hair up more. The snow in the sidewalk that crunched underneath the heels, the small singing of birds, he breathed freely and held a bright smile the one he always wore to practice. The smile that seemed to light up others and boost their morale. 

 

He was in Sendai, in Ichibancho the mall there and one of its iconic landmarks, it was cozy inside the building which he was thankful for, a smile on his face as his purse was pulled up onto his shoulder and he looked around wondering as to what he should buy. There were many top brands here, each varying in price. He had to get new volleyball shoes though, his favorite pair were worn out at the bottom and nearly about to fall off from all the running and jumping he did in them. Maybe he could get more clothes possibly and something for Hikaru that didn't involve food. 

 

His eyes trailed the stores, looking for something that wouldn't involve his mother paying a huge bill. He was self-conscious of money even if he had no set limit on his card but still, he wasn't one to just go and spend it in one sitting he wanted to be careful. He already had a lot of clothes so maybe he could buy makeup? Then again that was still pricey as hell but more on the cheaper side, but first, go to the volleyball store to grab new shoes!

 

He walked throughout the mall before his gaze rested on the volleyball store he went too, soon heading over as he went to the section with the volleyball shoes. His eyes trailing over the designs, style, prices, and overall quality as he knew he would be using them a lot. The caramel colored orbs shifting around as he saw what he was looking for and since he had high heels on (thankfully) he easily grabbed the shoes with the extra height added on. They were an ebony black, with two orange stripes on each side while the shoelaces were white. 

 

He smiled at them as he set the shoe down and grabbed the box that had his size. Maybe he should grab some more bandages? Yeah, that sounded good. Holding the box he headed to the health aisle to grab some more bandages, he would have jogged there but he didn't want to risk breaking his ankles so he just calmly walked. 

 

He got lost in his thoughts and bumped into someone, instantly panicking as he quickly bowed apologetically, “sorry! It's my fault for…” he trailed off as he looked up seeing the captain of Aoba Johsai who looked at him with peculiar eyes.

 

“Grand king!?” He yelped, nearly jumping up as he looked at the captain with wide eyes still in shock and more or less panic because of his clothing choice. A white sweater, skinny black jeans, a light brown trench coat, black ankle boot high heels, and a black purse to complete it. 

 

“Shrimpy-chan? Didn't expect to see you here,” he admitted amused. 

 

Hinata shifted uncomfortably, a movement that didn't go unnoticed by the setter as he dropped down to his height and pointed a finger at him, “ I don't bite, no need to be nervous,” he huffed.

 

Hinata nodded, nervously, “yeah, I'm just picking up another pair of shoes and decided to get some more medical equipment. Training is a bit tough lately and I want to cover up the bruises and scrapes, ” he admitted. Turning to face the shelf as he scanned for the bandages and Neosporin, seeing them both as he reached out and grabbed a few of each out of precaution. 

 

“I could say the same, we're going to beat you in the spring tournament though so watch out, “ Oikawa remarked. A sly smirk edging his way onto his lip before a figure slapped him on the head and sent him leaning over.

 

“Iwa-chan so mean!” He complained.

 

Iwaizumi huffed, rolling his eyes as he turned to face Shouyou who jumped up in surprise nearly dropping the bandages and Neosporin onto the floor. 

 

“Sorry about this idiot, “ the ace pointed out, shooting a glare at his friend before turning back to him, “it's nice to see you again though after all we only see you in practice matches or tournaments, not in public.” He admitted gesturing to Hinata's clothes which made him mentally squirm uncomfortably and instantly he thought of a hundred ways the ace could insult him about the clothes.

 

He noticed that they both were in there volleyball clothes, adorned with an Aoba Johsai jacket, and a scarf. While Iwaizumi had a scarf and mitts on and Oikawa only a scarf. 

 

“Yeah, you raise a fair point, ” he pointed out, scratching at the side of his chin as he looked up at them still slightly sad he was shorter than both of them. 

 

“Oh! Shrimpy did you grow?” Oikawa asked, looking down at him yet he was closer to his face this time.

 

He blinked, “no, I'm just wearing heels, ” he stated obviously. He stretched out his foot so the two third years could look at the heels before he set down his foot back on the ground. It was nearing 11 am and he was ready to go and grab something to eat, especially when he didn't even finish his whole breakfast and saved it for lunch tomorrow at school. 

 

“You wear heels?” Okinawa asked, curious as to what the shrimp would be wearing. Iwaizumi didn't admit it but he was curious as well.

 

“Yeah, I really like them! Heels are fun to wear when you know how to walk in them and they make me feel content? No there's a better word then that...tranquil. Yeah, that works!!” He beamed, happy about himself that he had found a word he could compare it too, a smile forming as all his anxieties began to vanish and he was becoming the bright sun once again. 

 

Iwaizumi blinked at the sudden change in attitude looking to Oikawa who noticed it too but he eased into it. “That's good, though heels always make my feet hurt if I even put them on, ” Iwaizumi blandly stated earning a giggle from Hinata.

 

Oikawa turned to Iwaizumi quickly, “you've tried on heels?” He blurted out, surprised.

 

The ace shrugged, “yeah. I was alone at my house and went into my mom's room pulled out her heels and walked around the house with them on.”

 

The 3rd year turned away from his friend and scratched at his chin as he looked to the orange haired boy. The outfit caught his eye and the nice touch of the trench coat was surprisingly fitting for the boy it made him look like a model who just got off of a shoot. “When did you start wearing heels chibi-chan?”

 

“My name isn't chibi-chan and I started wearing heels when I was in middle school, now I'm fine if you want to tag along and chat with me as I go shopping but I need to go pay for this.” The boy whined impatiently, soon slipping past the two as he turned to them with the familiar golden glow around him, a smile on his face yet it seemed force but he made it look real. His eyes holding playful smirk and admiration as he headed to the cashier with his things.

 

Oikawa nearly forgot how to breathe as he looked at those eyes till he turned away and headed to the cashier, making him snap back into reality ss he grabbed the equipment he was buying and followed after him, Iwaizumi only trailing behind him with a sigh. 

 

Hinata noticed they decided to tag along as he set his stuff down and pulled out his card handing it to her as he hastily paid for his things. Grabbing the bag that had his things as he walked up to Iwaizumi and waited for Oikawa to finish paying before they could head out yet this meant he had to change plans unless he could improvise and get what he needed without question.

 

The captain finished paying to leave a flushed girl behind the counter earning a snort from Iwaizumi and a raised glare from Shouyou. 

 

“So where to next Chibi-chan!” Oikawa chirped earning a harsh glare from him when he called him that hideous nickname and that shut him up quickly. 

 

“Well, now that I have company this time I was going to pick up some makeup for my mom!” He chirped up but his eyes flashed darkly when he lied about saying it was for his mom but they were gone in an instant. Only looking up at them beaming. 

 

‘As if’ his brain mumbled.

 

Iwaizumi nodded, “sounds fair. I don't mind but please Shittykawa doesn't just use all the brushes and mess up your face.” He replied curtly.

 

Oikawa stuck out his tongue, “Iwa-chan! So mean!” 

 

That earned a swift blow to the back of his head and they started to bicker back and forth like little kids.

 

‘This. This is going to be a long shopping trip.’ His mind mumbled on, casting a look at the ceiling. 

 

They had finished shopping and were now eating at a sushi place which he didn't mind it, he quite liked seafood and found it nice to enjoy. The shopping part was a mess as he deflected questions answering his personal life at home (most of which were because of Oikawa). He did notice however he was kind and offered to hold his purse from time to time, but as well as a good company since he was a good listener and he often rambled on about a certain topic.

 

Shouyou grabbed a piece of the Bagel roll, his favorite, as he popped one in his mouth and began to chew. Smiling softly as he had been running on an empty stomach for most of the afternoon till now and it felt good to eat something even if it was light. 

 

“So Hina-chan, do you have a sibling?” The setter asked, munching on his own piece of sushi. 

 

He paused, reaching for his water as he debated on answering but he was tired of lying, “yes, she's my sister ” he responded curtly taking a swig of the cold water.

 

“Younger or older?” He asked next

 

“Younger.” 

 

He hated answering those two questions about his sister, he could care less about her anyway with how she was young yet spoiled. She could do anything she wanted if she begged hard enough, moms boyfriend even bought her one of those hoverboards and a new phone for Christmas they didn't even visit so he spent his Christmas at the team's party which filled him with joy but he was lonely as soon as he got back home. Everything came her way and he was left behind like a torn up rag and that made his heart boil, nearly slamming his drink to the table and making the 3rd years jump in surprise. He blinked and laughed it off but it was forced, “sorry! It slightly fell out of my hands a bit there!” He chirped.

 

Iwaizumi nodded hesitantly as he saw something dark flicker in Karasuno's middle blocker as though he was plotting murder. 

 

Oikawa barely noticed the drop but he caught a glance at Hajime.

 

As soon as the bill came Hinata offered to pay but was stopped by Iwaizumi who paid instead and they walked out of the restaurant. He let out a small cough from his throat as he looked to the 3rd years with a smile, “thanks for the company! “ he chirped, jumping up a small bit as he beamed.

 

“Yeah, no prob! Say may I see your phone for a second?” Okinawa chirped up.

 

Hinata nodded, grabbing his phone from his pocket as he unlocked it and handed it to him, seeing him type something in quickly before handing him his phone. “There's my number in case you want to hang out again sometime!”

 

Hinata nodded “thanks, ” he whispered, feeling a small blush creep up his neck at the center but he fought it down to keep from embarrassing himself.

 

Iwaizumi grabbed Oikawa's collar and looked over his shoulder as they headed the opposite way than him, “bye Hinata. Get home safely, ” Iwaizumi called out. 

 

He waved in goodbye before heading back home, carrying the 3 bags that consisted off new volleyball shoes, makeup, and a new shirt. It was a thin long sleeve with a shoelace-like pattern in the front that could be tightened, it had reminded him of a sweater so he instantly bought it knowing he had just the idea for what to pair it with.

 

It was only approximately 2 pm by the time he got back home, putting up his trench coat in the rack that a few jackets on then taking off his heels as he set them under the hanging coat, so he set his eyes on cleaning the house just to pass the time. It worked, lasting a good 2 hours before he ultimately gave up, crashing down onto the couch as he opened his phone and decided to text Oikawa noticing he labeled himself as Tooru-senpai on his phone but he didn't judge it.

 

Me - Hey it's Shouyou. I made it home safely.

 

He nearly set down his phone but he felt it buzz, surprised that he replied quickly to his message but then again he was the same way with Kenma, never missing the opportunity to text back.

 

Tooru-senpai - Glad to hear that! So what are u doing now? (✿◠‿◠)

 

“He uses those things, emoticons or whatever. I'm not surprised, ” he muttered slyly.

 

Me - nothing, I just finished cleaning.

 

Tooru-sensei - sounds grueling, but hey! Do you want to go and visit that bakery down in Sendai? I hear they have one of the best cakes around!( ^o^)┘

 

Me - I'm fine going, I'm free Saturday after practice which ends near 12 pm and Sunday. The weekdays are harder.

 

Tooru-senpai - Does Sunday work for you at around 11 am? (/◕ヮ◕)/

 

Me - Yeah, see you soon then!!!

 

Tooru- senpai - see ya! ヽ(^o^)丿

 

Hinata set down his phone on the table, feeling flushed and a blush creeping up onto his face as he buried his face into one of the silver pillows. His heart racing as he stood back up and looked to Hikaru who had her food dish in her mouth and was looking at him eagerly.

 

“Alright, time to make dinner,” he smiled.


	2. time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pffft this chapter is a bit more depressing but anyway, i'm trying. It's slightly rushed and I'm trying my best to for the theme of this story or rather work on my struggle for pace and talking.
> 
> I also found that time is a good theme for this which is what this is centered around. Time is rather endless and has no beginning or end. 
> 
> Im actually surprised this is being read, since really this whole story is experimental. Im just posting works to see any improvement with it as my 'other' main work will probably be way longer and more of a slow burn. But I'm glad you guys are reading it! I actually adore this ship.

It was Monday and god did his body hurt, his fingers could barely move from how he had to play the piano for a few hours last night. He had also been stretching, testing his flexibility and doing his best to do a flip or stand up while trying to do a split.

 

At least he had made his lunch last night instead of early this morning. School starts at 8:15, morning practice was at 6 and it was currently 5. 30min to get ready than 30min to get there.

 

He groaned, slipping out of the bed as he grabbed his uniform and heading to the bathroom, avoiding to look at his appearance. He had a fear of mirrors or Spectrophobia, he didn't remember when he developed the fear but, it was sometime after his dad had abused him. He shuddered at the thought before he went back to taking off his clothes and heading into the shower. Feeling the hot water go over his body and he relaxed at the sensation, trailing his hands up his sides remembering when they would be purple and blue from all the bruises.

 

Soon finishing up he dried up, fixing up his hair in the process as he slipped on his uniform raced out to his bag that was situated in his room, grabbing the volleyball uniform, and the sheets of homework scattered on his desk into his bag. Then he snatched his phone from the charger and earbuds but he felt, abnormal. His heart squeezed and his chest felt tightened like he was on the verge of the breakdown but he felt no rush of emotions so he didn't understand.

 

Sliding downstairs on the stairs, he jumped off and raced into the kitchen, grabbing the smoked salmon from the freezer as he didn't have enough time. He placed two chunks of the salmon in the dish before grabbing his bento and wishing farewell to Hikaru which he gave a quick kiss on the forehead too.

 

He nearly tripped down the stairs into the garage as he locked the door behind him and grabbed his bike. Opening the garage door as he began to pedal nearly forgetting to close the garage door but he successfully managed to do and began to head towards school to get to morning practice. Though the ice on the roads made it a bit more tricky to get to school.

 

He pulled up to school, setting his bike on the rack but he felt as though his mind was elsewhere and he would often stand there staring, thinking, before he was snapped out of it with a harsh voice and he turned seeing Kageyama ready for their race for the gym and he only smiled.

 

He took off without warning earning a strangled yell from the setter, running through the snow as he didn't let Kageyama catch up to him and he eventually won. He panted and looked at Kageyama with a grin, “your buying me pork buns today, ” he chirped.

 

Kageyama narrowed his eyes, “fine dumbass,” he hissed, walking past him as they entered the gym to were practice was beginning to start. Suga walked up to them brimming and Hinata couldn't help but cheerfully smile back as he was greeted with his hair being messed up more.

 

“Morning you two! Practice is starting to get changed!” He chirped up, winking as he walked back to the others waiting.

 

Hinata nodded gleefully as he dashed off to the locker rooms to get changed.

 

By the time practice was nearly done he could barely concentrate, missing receives a bit more and spiking the ball. He nearly managed to dodge a ball getting directed at his face as he felt that his chest was way to right and his heart pounded in his ears. He blinked it away ignoring the sudden flurry of memories from Saturday.

 

The team noticed Hinata was more disorganized than usual, he could barely pay attention as he often stood there staring till Nishinoya patted his back saying it was water break and he instantly snapped out of it. Looking at his senpai with a smile as he raced off to join them as though nothing had happened.

 

“Hinata are you alright?” Suga asked, walking with him towards his 1st-period class as practice had ended.

 

“I guess. My heart is pounding and my chest feels right, I've been thinking about someone and they always seem to make me lose my train of thought, “ he replied honestly.

 

Suga blinked before he smiled hiding his smirk withhis cute appearance, “so you’re in love?” He asked.

 

Hinata stopped, fiddling with the end of the black sleeves of his uniform as he looked up at his senior with curious eyed, “so that’s what it is.” He responded, his face breaking out into a grin and he glowed brightly.

  
Suga couldn’t help but feel relieved that the issue was simple but then again love wasn’t simple, “wait you haven’t felt love before even towards both of your parents and if you have siblings?” He exclaimed.

  
“Of course I have! I’m not heartless!” he exclaimed, squawking at the sudden exclamation as he noticed they were nearing his first period and knew they had to wrap this up or talk about if later after or before practice.

  
_But he lied_. He hated his family. He never loved them, he saw his sister grow into the spoiled child today and brag about it. He saw his mom ignore him denying him attention and support, his dad only abused him calling him worthless, pathetic, useless, and obnoxious, yet had kept up his happy act and fought through it. Now he couldn’t help but crash down at the loneliness he felt in his home and chest. A cat could do so much but he was an extrovert who thrived off of reading emotions and doing his best to make the situation as happy as he could so others could be happy as well, he already knew what sadness and loneliness felt like.

  
_I hate them._

  
_They left me._

 

_I’m not needed._

  
_If I leave nobody will care._

  
“Will talk more about this later than! See you later!” Suga called, ruffling his hair as he walked away and headed towards his own class.

Hinata sighed walking into his own class with hope he would stay up and do his best, he already remembered the last time his grade dropped and his mom nearly threatened him. Grabbing his notebook and pencil for the English class that he actually knew but was to lazy and absent-minded to care began to take notes on the lesson.

  
The rest of the classes were no better, he knew the content he just wasn’t interested but nevertheless, did all the things they asked like a command.

Hinata's head hurt by the end of this hellhole as he walked to practice the pain in his chest was there bit loose, as Suga had explained the feeling was love something he doesn't recognize because all that was left in his heart after they left was raw bitterness. Hikaru cleared it up but a cat isn’t a person.

  
Walking into gym he headed to the locker room to change, pulling up the fake smile so he could appear to be happy though his heart echoed with grimace and a hollow, throbbing pain that shuddered his ribcage. He laughed and had his usually outburst without complain enjoying the comfort of the team before he went back to the place he called ‘home’ that held no light not love in the air.

  
Soon practice ended and he hated it, he wanted practice to continue even if it meant waking up sore tomorrow because he didn’t care.

  
_He didn't._

  
He was dressed back into his uniform, for the time being, his composure sweaty from all the practice as he was huddled into his thick jacket and scarf that kept him warm in the January air. The snow crunched under his shoes, bag hoisted over his shoulder, and eyes down to the ground as he walked with Kageyama since he had to buy him pork buns for winning the race today.

  
Than they departed and Hinata stayed there, he missed the warmth and soon jumped up onto his bike and began to pedal back home, casting a look towards the darkening sky. It was winter so dark came easily and it wouldn’t be till March that the hours would be reversed but for now, he enjoyed the cold clinging to his bones, his breath in the air and the changes in scenery as he headed home.

  
His hands gripped the cold blade of the knife, it felt comforting to hold it as he sat on the couch on the balcony, snow dusting the floor off it so he had slippers on. His eyes casting a look out to the winter wonderland, the stretch of trees from as far as he could see but as well as the borderline of lights. He had taken a shower, his hair messed up, his clothes now a long-sleeved polar bear sweater, with polar bear pants. Hikaru was asleep by his feet and he raised the knife to rest against his wrists.

  
He shouldn’t do it, he had that much sanity to not too but why did it look so tempting like a drug? Would he feel relief? Comfort? Cutting himself could only do so much and he didn’t understand why people did it, he had attempted it and nearly threw the knife out of hatred for trying to do so, but now he was tempted. He could feel his composure dropping like melted ice, pulling back the sweater sleeve on his left wrist as he hovered the knife over his skin.

  
_Drip, drip, drip._

  
He paused, shaking his head but he didn’t move the knife.

  
_Drip, drip, drip._

  
His eyes immersed and tears weld up, blurring his vision.

  
“I can’t.”

  
_“Yes you can."_

  
_“What’s the point of helping others when you don’t help yourself?”_

  
_“It will bring relief, a small bit of comfort in this world, you live in.”_

  
_“Nobody cares about you, you just pushed aside.”_

  
His breath hitched as the voice came back,

  
_“Everyone will leave you, so just do it. Your only hurting yourself by not doing it.”_

  
And he did.

  
The knife sliced through his skin like butter and he covered his mouth and looked away, tears cascading down his cheeks as he sobbed. Dropping the knife on the ground as it stung but, he looked towards the cut feeling the droplets of blood begin to fill up the mark and he felt captured. The cut throbbed in pain as the blood began to overflow.

  
They were beautiful.

  
The blood dripping down his skin and he smiled. Reaching to grab the knife again as he couldn’t help but laugh at the sensation, it was comforting. He didn’t care about the pain, only the familiar sense of blood that he felt, it felt welcoming.

  
_He loved it._

  
He loved the pain.

  
Waking up felt like he had gotten crushed by a truck and stayed there, he found himself on the couch with the knife on the ground and multiple cuts littering his arm. He might have done it a bit too much as from what he could count through the dried blood he had about 7 but he relished the sight with a physcho grin.  
He soon changed into his uniform, not bothering to grab his usual pair of sneakers and instead wore his light pink and white Adidas. He set the knife under the pillow on the windowsill as he grabbed Hikaru and held him in his arms as they cuts stand from the pressure. He needed to hide the cuts during practice, some sleeves could work so he rummaged through his closet and grabbed the black sleeves.

  
Carrying them along with Hikaru in his arms, knowing he would have cat hair all over his uniform, he set her down on the stone ground and opened the fridge to grab the smoked salmon as he opened it, laying down two chunks of salmon in her food bowl. Before he grabbed his bento from the fridge and whistled goodbye, all to cheery as he grabbed his jacket and scarf before he left and biked to school.

  
The team was put off by Hinata’s attitude, he smiled through everything and not the usual smile it was more like, “I’m smiling, but I’m going to be doing something better later.” And to be fair most did their best to not be caught in his gaze because something dark fluttered in his irises.

  
He also wore long black sleeves under his uniform, dark circles were under his eyes as though he was sleep derived something that he never did or do. He told him that he usually went to sleep at 8 am and woke up around 4-5am to get ready for school and he did that like a habit so what was different now. He winced at the balls he received, his arm still sore from the cuts that lined them under the black sleeves.

  
Suga walked up to him as they were changing out and beginning to head home, “Hinata, what are you so happy about?” he asked.

  
“ _Cutting myself_.” His mind whispered, “ _the relief of pain when the knife slices and blood wheels up, it’s beautiful and painful. The cuts sting, they hurt, but they remind me of myself.”_

  
“My cats all better now! She was sick Saturday so that’s why I couldn’t come!” he lied, batting down the dark thoughts that fluttered into his mind.

  
Suga blinked, “Oh!” ‘that explains it.’ “That’s good! I didn’t think you were a cat person though, I found you as a dog person.” Sugar admitted, relief washing over him as Hinata was just happy about his cat being all better.

  
Hinata laughed wholeheartedly, “yeah. But I fell in love with her, her names Hikaru and she’s a British short hair.” He added on before continuing, “I found her on the street nearly starving and beaten up,” (he exaggerated that by throwing his hands up and earning a giggle from the setter) “she hated me at first but warmed up to me! I found out she’s a big cuddler and loves to stay warm so she likes to hide in the couches or the bed. Attention is what she craves, ”and he laughed. It wasn’t forced or anything and it felt nice and he savored it as his gaze relaxed into his normal composure. His eyes re-lit as the dark aura that filled his eyes were gone.

  
“That’s cool you have a cat, do you have a picture off her?” Tsukishima suddenly asked.

  
He nodded exuberantly as he reached into his bag, unlocking the phone as he went to his gallery and tapped on the album labeled ‘Hikaru’. He picked the most taken photo which is from last night and Hikaru sleeping on his feet on the windowsill, turning his phone towards the blonde with a smile.

  
Tsukishima leaned in and as well as Yamaguchi and Ennoshita, he swore he could see Tsukishima soften for a moment. The picture was cute, the marbled, silver tabby on his feet curled up and asleep with the windowsill behind her that lazily blocked out the winter night.

  
“She’s so cute!” Yamaguchi perked up as he looked at her.

  
“I want to pet her, ” mumbled Tsukishima who only got jabbed in the rib by Yamaguchi and a smile from him.

  
Ennoshita smiled, as Hinata turned his phone to the others who oogled at the sight of his cat.

  
“How long have you've had her?” asked Daichi.

  
“2-3 months I think?” he murmured, trying to recall the time he found her.

  
“Wait!? You've been keeping this cute, adorable, kitten away from us for months now!?” Suga gasped acting dramatic. He laughed quietly at Suga, but the light in his eyes had faded and he was tired from smiling, his cheeks hurt, so he let it falter with the hopes of them not noticing.

The week was a clock.

  
_Tick, tock, tick, tock._

  
A clock with no limit to the time.

  
_Tick, tick, tick._

  
The sound rang in his ear each time he slept.

  
_Tick, tock, tick, tock._

  
He woke up with a cold sweat, gripping his chest, eyes snapped open, and breath as rugged as shattered glass. Hinata would stand up and take some sleeping pills or grab a cup of coffee if he couldn’t fall back to sleep which ended up working half the time leaving him to sleep during class and slip in and out of consciousness on the court.

  
It was evident, the black bags under his eyes growing darker and darker as the clock reverberated in his ear. _Tick, tick, tick._ It was loud, he couldn’t concentrate, he screamed into the night as though a knife pierced his chest. It was painful, his voice hoarse the next morning from screaming all night long, his eyes languid and heavy from all the crying and lack of sleep. Nothing rested in his stomach, it was either thrown up before or after practice.

  
The familiar sound of dripping blood was his own comfort.

  
He resisted cutting any deeper, knowing it could hurt him.

  
He felt alone, no one to lean on, no one to feel safe.

His heart rang with an echo that was stopped by poison that filled his lungs.

  
He felt weak, as though progress has slowed down to a halt and he was stuck in time.

  
_Time,_ he learned, _was an endless game of make believe._

 

 

  
It was Sunday morning and he couldn’t help but wince, looking over at his clock that read 9:15 am. But he didn’t care, he didn’t have much planned than going to the bakery with Oikawa, so he wasn’t in much of a worry for his outfit as he was laid back at the moment. He didn’t bother fixing his hair, the orange curls everywhere as he ran a hand through it and walked downstairs in the Snoopy pajamas and the faded pink, fuzzy socks.

  
He was tired and it showed, so he made sure to use concept to hide the dark eye bags but that could only do so much.

  
Walking down the wood steps as he turned into the kitchen, grabbing the coffeee cup and water as he refilled the Kellogg and places the coffee container as he closed the flap, pushing his falling waters coffee cup up against it. Pressing start he waited but in the meantime began to make breakfast beginning to make pecan pancakes and half-cooked chicken for Hikaru who rubbed against his clothes eagerly for food.

  
He finished cooking, cleaning up the pancake batter that had spilled and putting away all the ingredients used. He only made two and that already felt like too much to eat but he knew he should eat some more or save some so he could incorporate it into his bento for lunch that he never even finished. He would barely even eat half than ate the rest at home as though his lunch had been pushed to the evening instead.

  
Pulling up a chair from under the island, he grabbed his coffee sitting it down on the white counter as he mixed in the half an half and sugar. Stirring it with a spoon before putting it into the sink and sitting down by the plate of a food, his eyes staring off into space as the house was dark. He made no effort to turn on the lights and rather have the natural light flutter into the house, illuminating all the cleaning he had done yesterday. Though cat hair was beginning to cover the hair again by a particular someone.

  
By the time he finished breakfast it was 10 am and only half of the two pancakes were gone, leaving him to put a cover on it and slide it into the fridge to eat later once he got back from Sendai. Dragging himself back upstairs and into the room where he walked into the closet, eyes trailing the clothes before he chooses a basic outfit.

  
Slightly ripped black jeans, mostly cut at the knee, a white t-shirt, a size to big light brown sweater, and a jean jacket, and as for shoes who choose white loafers that had a single black mark around his ankle. Taking off his clothes as he began to slip them on, not bothering to look at the mirror in which he took a quick glance yet he felt that burn into his back and he shuffled from the mirror in the closet. Grabbing his pajamas that he was going to wear tonight (again). He hated doing laundry anyway so he usually re-wore his pajamas out of sheer laziness.

  
He walked out of the closest greeted by the marbled tabby who he never let inside his closest because he was terrified she would rip up the clothing if she was ever spooked. He smiled warmly, crouching down as he ran a hand through her fur, cupping her cheeks as he leaned his face down and smiled. Moving a hand by her ear as he scratched softly feeling the purr escape from her, radiating light and happiness from the attention and his breath hitched. Standing up as he looked to her, “see you soon Hikaru!”

  
Hinata felt his heart thrum in his ribcage, daring to burst out as he was on the train to Sendai, Oikawa had texted he was already there and waiting for him at the station making himself feel guilty for having Oikawa wait for him to get there.

  
‘ _Maybe he won’t show up though. People always seem to leave me alone anyway_ , ” his mind whispered softly. The train pulled to a stop as he walked out and searched for Oikawa, his eyes still hopeful that the setter didn’t leave him.

  
“Shou-chan! “ a voice called out and he could recognize it from anywhere as Hinata took a moment to decipher what he was wearing and in all honesty, it looked good on him. A light grey sweater, dark blue jeans, and a light brown coat with light blue Nikes that made his eye twitch at the shoe choice. Than again he loved to switch up his footwear almost every time he went out so he only just fought off the laugh from the shoes that went awkwardly with it.

"Hello Oikawa-san!” he chirped up in response, waving his arm as he came in contact with him, the setter dissecting what the boy was wearing a slight blush since he looked absolutely adorable. With the oversized sweater peeking out from the jean jacket, the ripped jeans and the shoes as well that seemed to embed itself into the clothes.

_'So he didn't leave me.'_

  
“Well now that you’re here! Let’s get going shall we?” he cooed, taking off in the direction of the bakery with himself in tow as the middle blocker found himself walking a bit faster to meet the longer strides of the setter.

  
“Say who styles your outfits chibi-chan?” Okinawa asked, lightly humming as he walks, his eyes occasionally flickering around the shopping area.

  
“Myself. I dress myself so I just pick the outfits thatcome to mind and fit well with the season, even if that means doing a lot of laundry, ” he laughed, rubbing the back of his neck. ‘My mom styles in them and occasionally sends over clothes for me to wear than asks me to take a picture in them, ’ his mind mumbled sarcastically. Listening to Oikawa hum as the walk was quiet but not awkward.

  
_Stop thinking about her._

  
_She left you, that’s enough._

  
_God stop being so weak._

  
_That’s what dad says._

  
Oikawa rounded a corner and stopped in front of the bakery shop, it was cute, with light pink and white walls, big windows as he looked inside through the companies symbol that was a cake with a gold leaf on top, seeing the rows of cakes, cheesecakes, donuts, and macaroons that made his stomach growl in anticipation.

  
The captain laughed, hearing his stomach growl as he opened the door for him and led him inside, watching the baby crow flutter around with excitement in his eyes. He looked cheerful for just a bakery shop but he didn’t mind, it was adorable and he could watch all day.

  
Shouyou fluttered around as he eyed the New York cheesecake with a smile and turned to Oikawa with puppy eyes that could make anyone fall to their knees, and smiled. “I’m guessing your paying so I’ll grab a slice of the New York cheesecake!!” he chirped up, springing up and down as he was litreally at this point blinding Oikawa with how bright he was.

  
Oikawa's breath hitched and he walked up to the cashier ordering a piece of Red Velvet cake, the slice of New York Cheesecake, and two drinks of iced matcha bubble tea. Looking to the crow who didn’t mind the drink choice as the two waited for them to finish serving it.

  
Hinata could only feel his heart thrum in anticipation as he quickly snatched the plates with the slice of red velvet cake and his cheesecake that had a fork on the side of them, holding them tightly as Oikawa paid and grabbed the two matcha bubble teas’. He led the way to the table by the window setting down the plates as he sat down on the pale pink chair reaching out to grab his drink and feeling his fingers brush against Oikawa's causing him to nearly blush as he set down his drink and watched Oikawa sit down across from him.

  
“So what made you choose this place?” Hinata asked, taking a sip of his drink and managed a grin. It tasted good, he would have to discover the recipe later so he could make some again.

  
Oikawa shrugged, “found this place out from Hanamaki and Matsukawa, they went here before and suggested I come try for the baked goods they sell. I can say, I’m not disappointed, ” he admitted, taking a chunk of his red velvet and relishing how it melted into his mouth as soon as it hit his mouth.

  
“That sounds nice of them, ” he murmured quietly in reply. His eyes casting to the fluttering of people, it was busy because it was Sunday but it was morning so it wasn’t as pack now, that happened around the afternoon and evening. He couldn’t help but turn back to Oikawa smiling, looking at the boy as he glazed over his face looking into his eyes a bit to long as he looked away nearly blushed as he took a sip of his drink.

  
“So, do you think I could ever see your sister? You mentioned her last week, ” he spoke up earning a hitched breath from Hinata who only sank his head lower. His eyes dimmed in the glow and darkened when he stared at the white table cloth.

  
“Sorry but you can’t, ”he replied. Looking away as he narrowed his eyes, and he was thankful for Oikawa who didn’t push it, “do you have any siblings?” he asked.

  
“Yeah! I have a sister who’s in University, I take care of her son from time to time. His name is Takeru and he plays volleyball! He's pretty cool, ” Oikawa admitted, a smile returning to his face at the words.

  
“That sounds nice, ” he replied honestly thought it made his heart wrench. “really nice” he mumbled quietly under his breath.

 

_.I want a sibling to care for_  
  
_.Maybe a nephew or niece? I wouldn’t mind_  
  
_God I hate being the older solving who doesn’t care for their younger sibling_  
  
_.I can’t anyway_  
  
_.I hate her enough as it is_  
  
_.Damn it_

  
He paused his train of thought as he looked to Oikawa, “can I try a piece of your cake?” Hinata asked.

  
“Yeah – I don’t mind,” Okinawa responded, cutting a piece of the cake off as he held it out in front of the younger boy, watching him reached for it and bite it off. Instantly smiling at the taste as he looked up at him with his golden eyes.

  
“Its delicious!” he beamed, looking at his own slice and back to Oikawa, “do you want to try mine? Seeing as I tried yours?” he inquired, tapping his fingers against his ripped jeans noticing it was covered in cat hair and he tried his best to swipe it off under the table.

  
“Yeah!” Oikawa exclaimed, Hinata sliced a piece of his own cake with the blunt edge of his fork as he held it out in front of Oikawa who did the same, biting it off, as he couldn’t help but blush at the action.

  
“It’s nice. But cheesecake isn’t my thing, ” Oikawa stated.

  
He could understand it, cheesecake could have a curdle texture like you would taste in blue cheese. Depending on the cheesecake, he really could eat any kind, he wouldn’t care, as he found cheesecake delicious to eat. It wasn’t always to sweet or to bitter.

  
An hour seemed to pass by, or two, the only evidence shown by the sly that was lighting up. Azure in color with clouds dotting across the blue backsplash, making different types of shape if you concentrated hard enough. He only noticed it when he checked his phone seeing it was 2 pm and he should start heading back home but he didn’t have a curfew time so their was no deal with him going back and he, he enjoyed the company of the setter.

  
His cheerful expressions, the teasing, the chatting that switched topics in one blur or hanged onto a topic like a thread. Hinata enjoyed it with all his worth, savoring this moment at the bakery as though it would be his last time.

  
Oikawa stood up, holding his plate and empty glass of matcha tea and Hinata quietly missed the attention. “Lets meet up again soon! Why don’t you pick the place this time?” Okinawa asked, a grin spreading on his face as he looked down at him.

  
Hinata's breath hitched, his face flushed as he coughed into his hand, “yeah. I – uhhh – why don’t we go biking on the trail? “ he cringed at his train wreck of an answer, “I hear there’s a beautiful lake at the end and maybe we could…do some volleyball practice?"

 

Oikawa blinked, pondering that as he looked towards him, “alright!”

  
Hinata eased into a smile, bringing out his charismatic smile, “Next week Sunday at 9am. I'll rent us bikes so no need to worry!” he exclaimed, standing up as he grabbed his empty dishes and rocked back and forth on his shoes.

  
Placing the dishes on the rack Oikawa shot him a wink making him flush in embarrassment and hide his face into his trench coat as he leaned closer till he could feel his breath on his ear and it made him freeze in place at the warmth that tickled the back of his neck. “Consider it a date than, ” he teased, pulling back up as he waved in goodbye.

  
Hinata felt his breath stop, before he became a blushing mess and resisted the edge to sink to the floor with a red face that resembled the shade of an apple. Stammering as he tried his best to gain his composure.

 

 

The week passed like a time bomb, the sound was back as he waited till Sunday. _Tick, tick, tick_. The voice only whispered louder and at this point he was used to the lack of sleep, drinking coffee or taking any sort of antidepressant he could take that would keep him up.

  
The clock was always ringing in his ears, he didn’t know why. Time was strange that way but it was always there. He even found it eager to get out of practice now with the clock constantly in his head it made him insane.

  
“Time. It’s always here each passing moment, its hard to tell apart time from reality when both equally don’t make sense.” He murmured, calming down as he was sitting outside on the balcony gazing up at the stars.

  
“Time is a millisecond, a second, a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a year and so forth. What makes up time anyway?” he wondered. His eyes shined softly, more than they had done all week through all the fake emotions he managed to pull off, fooling his teammates into thinking he was fine, though he could see Tsukishima and the captains reading him like a book.

  
_Damn_ , it made him uncomfortable to be read like that.

  
He was like an open book, he could be read but some words didn’t make sense, or the plotline was curving and twisting leading to a plot twist at the end. He wanted to be that twist that didn’t make sense, like as to why he was like this, people expected him to be their sun didn't they? 

  
He could feel the ink dripping off, words molding into nonsense as he was just someone who jumped from page to page with no words to read.

  
_Exposed._

_Naked._

_Raw._

_Empty._

_And like black and white, each endless._

 

 


	3. update

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just some updates on what's the progress and what I'm doing.

it's exam season so I'm pretty busy but I can multi-task so that's not really a valid excuse. actually currently I've been working on a lot of other one-shots that I may post or different au's.

 

these are rather practice, as I actually may re-write this series because honestly, I'm trying to work on description of background, character personalities, and when a character speaks _also pace but that's bullshit enough_. fairly its fun but I know I'm going to run into a writing block soon enough as life is fun that way.

anyway! on the third chapter, I've re-written it like twice but not satisfied still - third time is a charm and I'll do my best to post it by next week or this weekend. 

 

(*´∀｀) 

thank you for your support and comments!! I'll do my best to live up to your expectations for this fic and others.


	4. thawed roses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashbacks, realization, and emptiness with a fake facade.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> note few things because I ended up fucking up pretty badly, much to my horror. 
> 
> \- It's October. The preliminaries have passed.I want to not write the match part BUT THIS LASTS FOR 3 FUCKING MONTHS SO I CANT DO THAT. 
> 
> \- I live in a hot climate so i don't experience a thing called seasons. I'll basically mix up Autumn and Winter even if I'm just researching a lot of things.

“if you could have anything in the world, what would you choose?” Hinata asked, looking outside from the porch with curious eyes. Orange hair rustling in the wind as he turned to look at the figure next to him, taller but beautiful as well with silky black hair and beautiful honey eyes. A smile edged on her face as a hand curled around Hinata's abdomen when brought closer to the taller figure.

  
“I would choose, you. You’re the sunlight in my world, ” she replied smoothly, a laugh bubbly out with cheeriness in the summer air on the porch. Hinata's face deadpanned, looking up to her with an expression that read “ _why_ ” only to be greeted with a heartwarming look that made his heart pause, “because, you make me happy. I can’t imagine a life without you.”

  
About to respond, Hinata was caught off with the slide in door opening, stepping out a taller man with a plate full of sandwiches and lemonade in the other. Eyes bright with the same colored hair as his sons, walking over and greeting mom with a kiss to her forehead and taking his seat beside Shouyou, rustling his hair as he placed down the two plates on the porch. “your mom’s right about that, your our sunlight on those gloomy days.”

  
Awestruck at the honesty, Hinata shut his mouth at whatever reply he wanted to say, only feeling warmth bloom into his heart like a freshly bloomed flower. Mumbling a thank you, he listened to his moms friendly teasing and dads whining all the while eating the sandwiches without the crust.

  
Than he woke up, the warmth from the dream gone. Cold and empty gripping him like a thorn bush as he rose up on his elbows and looked around the room dimly lit from the sunlight outside. Falling back into the pillows with a soft and subdued sob at the summer sunlight gone, humidity that clung to his skin, parents next to him on the porch when he was 5.

  
_It wasn’t here_.

  
Muffling the sob that threatened to escape this early in the morning. Head tilting back into the feathered pillows that pressed against his head. Fingers curling into his hair from the migraine that rang like a violin in his head. the flashback – no – dream? Was it a dream if it happened but it’s so far away? Did it even happen?

  
Conflicted, Hinata rose back up again, fighting the urge to go back to sleep when school started in a few hours and he had morning practice to get too – something Kageyama would personally ‘kill’ him if he missed it, or just bug the hell out of him as to “why did you miss practice, dumbass?” and hell no was he in the mood to get yelled at the setter.

  
A soft whine caught his attention, glancing over to Hikaru who looked at him disapprovingly on the edge of the bed, tail flicking as she jumped up and – from what he could see – she was heading downstairs in the direction of the kitchen. A movement that meant he would have to leave the safety of his bed to go downstairs dressed and ready for school to make breakfestl. Much easier said than done.

  
Taking about 5 minutes to get up – record time – Hinata gradually stood up, weaving through his dysphoria without the contacts nor glasses on, to the bathroom. Did he remember to leave a change of clothes there? If not, after getting contacts in, he could just go and grab them but that required to much effort right now, and moving around wasn’t on his agenda today even if the technically had to get to school, it still didn’t sounded nice at the moment.

  
But taking in a breath hurt more, the rawness of the dream like a knife in his skin.

  
Why did he dream of that? That time? When everything was fine, he was just a regular kid, a kid who spent each day with a smile plastered on his face. Actually excited to come home. Recalling a day at school and holding up whatever he did in class to show his parents. The warmth he felt at the old place, love in the air, the mountain breezes flowing through the open windows, and the scent of flowers that were now gone. Thrown away now that the place was renovated.

  
Reaching the bathroom, Hinata pushed open the door seeing he had left his uniform here and quickly began to get dressed. Ignoring the rectangular mirrors that reflected his frame that he noticed was starting to drop in weight making his mood darken immensely, he should eat more but that meant forcing down food into his queasy stomach. the spring tournament was coming up anyway, 2 weeks left and his mood only got worse with how sick Hinata felt, wishing December would just come already and second semester would be over till third was all that was left.

  
A small sigh pushed back his lips, brushing his teeth and spitting out the toothpaste into the sink, watching it swirl into the drain through the fuzz. Eventually, Hinata put in his contacts, blinking rapidly at the changed vision before walking out and finally heading downstairs by 5:34. Hikaru was pacing back and forth in the kitchen when he walked in, clearly not all that happy it took him a good while 30 minutes to get up and out of bed, when really that was the best he could do.

  
“Alright, alright Hikaru!” whined Hinata, pulling out the pan from the cupboard and the ham and eggs from the fridge, “I’m making breakfast settle down!” she did (kind of.) Leaving Hinata to work on breakfast; the ham was already cooked but warming it up always made it tastier and matched better with scrambled or gelled eggs. Leaving him to hum, singing softly under his breath over the sizzling off the food from the contact in the oil.

  
“I want to be like you, I want to say that I can, ” mumbled Hinata, dishing up the ham into Hikaru's dish before cracking the eggs over the pan, “I want to be the person you think I am.” Why was he even singing Vocaloid? Maybe because it was the lyrics he remembered currently or that the lyrics related to his life in a scaringly accurate way? What was the reason for singing the fast-paced song with his voice that sounded like sandpaper when he sang to himself?

  
To many reasons to even count. _Though did he even want to answer?_

 

 

To slow, to fast. Morning practice was fun, distracted but fun. School passed by slowly even of he but a effort into paying attention to the lesson that dragged on painfully. Hinata could do the work, if he wanted too anyway which was usually just a “no.”

 

Muffled sobs hidden by a towel pressed against his mouth in the locker room after practice. Who was even here anymore? It was late, but pressure built up in his stomach, breakfast and lunch threatening to spill. Why was he even crying? Why now and not at home? He didn’t know the answer, the answer simply wasn’t there than to then to him with negative thoughts bubbling at the edge of his mind.

  
“ _You know,_ ” the voice whispered, “ _this is nice. Your pathetic excuse for feeling sad, some people don’t have money like you or living parents,_ ” the demon whispered, a crude smile edged on their lips even of he couldn’t see it – it was easy to Imagine. _“You cry for help but all your friends leave you. Why even have friends if they will leave you?”_ they whispered, sitting on top of the black box. Legs crossed and teeth glinting with a devilish smile.

  
“I don’t know, ” Hinata mumbled in response, legs crossing on the tile till knocking at the door startled him, dropping the tear-stained towel onto his legs and body shooting up in surprise. “Yes?” Hinata replied, voice hoarse and scratchy from all the crying before he began to wash up, trying to erase the look of the previous activity, off his face.

  
The door opened with Yamaguchi, surprisingly, guess he stayed for extra practice than, “oh, Hinata, you’ve been in here for a while and we’re starting to lock up so you should hurry up, ” Yamaguchi pointed out before lightly shutting the door and walking away. Leaving Hinata to ponder than and start to get ready.

  
“ _My, your bad at hiding this.”_ The demon muttered tiredly. _“So many friends yet you don’t tell them anything. Are they even your friends then?”_

  
“Shut up, ” Hinata hissed back. But the words where on repeat, where they his friends if he was to afraid to tell them? reluctantly the demon shut up leaving Hinata to pack up and head back to the empty house with a sigh. Eyes narrowed as Hinata biked up the mountainside, ignoring the ever so bothering presence of the voice in his head nicknamed Shi.

  
Why not nickname the depressing and suicidal demon in your head? It kept you company during most days when you were alone and overthinking? Often Shi was just there, an overthinking monster that led Hinata to break down at different points of time from the tiniest of things, not like it didn’t mind anyway. It fed of Hinata's own happiness and made phrases that were praises into words like daggers flipping the meaning of those words once said.

  
Shi kept him company at least. Some may see he’s schizophrenic talking to himself or rather just insane, but spilling the tea felt better than controlling the overflow. There was no harm into talking to the thing that made you miserable…right?

 

 

Dad always said, “that love is always present, ” but is it really? Hinata scaled the bookshelves, trailing his hand over the spines before plucking out a thick book from the book shelf in the living room, looking at the philosophy type book now in his hands. Carefully carrying it to the couch and plopping down on the soft cushions.

 

He needed to distract himself, not with the homework that was invigorating but rather with a good book, some coffee, and some cookies. The temperature was supposed to drop a few more degrees, surprising for the month of October honestly, Hinata wished it was warmer since he got cold easier which meant the fireplace was on and they were under two blankets.

  
Hikaru curled around his feet on the couch, book hoisted on the blanket with Hinata’s glasses on then contacts. Contacts were easier to wear but they often got annoying after some time, which made him lean more to using his glasses when he got home. He would wear glasses to school but considering last time. Where he had busted his pair from bullies who tormented him over his height and weirdly colored hair; it was just safer to wear contacts than to deal with that again.

  
Feeling his phone buzz, Hinata reached for the device seeing the time at 8:44. Had he really been reading for a few hours already? Mumbling incoherent words, he opened the phone to gaze at the recent messages. It was from Kageyama, wonder what he wanted.

  
_Kage's – are you free this weekend? For vb practice?_

  
_Me – Ack! Sorry, no I’m not, I have plans with friends._

  
_Me – next week?_

  
_Kage's – yeah that’s fine._

  
Right, that ‘date’ was with Oikawa-san this weekend at the park. Hinata honestly wished he choose a better place than just an area where you play volleyball at. What type of date was that? Not that he really considered it a date, why would he? Dates are things you do with the person you love…right? Did he consider Oikawa as a friend or something more with the pounding in his chest always present, rosy cheeks, and the edge to always here him laugh.

  
Yeah – definitely – he saw him as something more. He would be lying to himself if he said he didn’t, when really Hinata wanted to be with him more. Maybe it was his personality, that annoying, bickering self but also how he showed devotion and passion for the sport till he was pushed into using a knee brace. Maybe it was his false charm around girls, a mask put over his face but once out of his shell and away from them, his laughter and smiles were real and bright. Somehow airy, like muffins cooling down, or sweet like honey.

  
“ _You’re a love struck idiot.”_ Shi mumbled, raising their head up to look at him from on top of the couch. Shi was a demon he rather created out of his own conscious, they often took the form of a crow that had the build of an owl instead, _“if you get rejected I wonder what will happen~”_ they sang, a Cheshire grin on their face.

  
“Shut up, ” Hinata mumbled, grabbing a pillow from under his head and chucking it at them. Since they weren’t real it just passed through him, hitting the tile and he earned a pout from Shi. He didn’t know how they could form a pout with a best but they made do. “Maybe he likes me back? It’s this Saturday any way, 1 week left till the National play offs.” He mumbled, closing the book and settling in for a conversation with an imaginary friend.

  
_“Out of all people I was chosen to make miserable, your by far the worst!”_ Shi exclaimed, throwing up a wing in exaggeration, _“ I’m stuck with a lovesick dumbass and all I want is you to fall into a hole of depressing thoughts, instead of gain the hope of ever living! After all, what do you have left when da—”_ unable to finish before vanishing, Hinata muttered under his breath glad the conversation was over with his conscious.

  
Gee maybe he did need some help.

 

 

The week dragged on like a repetitive scene. Wake up, drink coffee, go to school, don’t pay attention, volleyball, go home, repeat. It was sickening, the weight on his shoulders pressing down harder with how the weight got heavier each day, than it was Sunday. He was going to be with Oikawa-san today on a “date” yet he buried his feelings, shoving them into a box and under the bed to feed the monsters. Letting the cobwebs ensnare it and let it stay there, he would be rejected anyway, nobody should – or even – try, to like him in a romantic way.

  
_What was so special about him anyway?_

  
Swallowing the rising bile in his throat, Shouyou got dressed, a light cream sweater under his blue and white-striped jacket, paired with light blue jeans. Giving Hikaru a good bye kiss, he turned on his heels, walking out of the house with keys twirling in between his slim fingers, phone stuffed in his back pocket with his lock. His volleyball bag was by the doorway, debating on bringing it before ultimately doing so. He picked it up and stepped into the garage, the bike ready to go. He ultimately just hoped this day wouldn’t end up as a disaster, it was a nice day anyway too, with clear blue skies, a light but cold breeze of wind that made him wince but otherwise, was warm.

  
“I hate Sundays, ” Shouyou mumbled casually, pulling up his bike to station and getting off. He debated on bringing his bike with him or renting a bike for himself which meant spending more money, so he just brought his bike with him on the subway. Texting Oikawa a quick ‘im on my way, ’ kind of thing that made his stomach tighten up into a knot into realization of how stupid, this date sounded. He might as well have just said “volleyball practice” at the park in Sendai.

  
Heart racing, blood soaring in his ears, a hand-chipped his mouth with foot tapping impatiently on the subway. Everything was to loud, the small chatter, his heartbeat, the noise from the tracks with the skidding of the wheels. “stay calm, stay calm. Relax, ” Shouyou thought to himself, squeezing his eyes till he heard his stop be called and pressed his heels into the ground to not be shifted so far forward. Getting off was relaxing, hit with fresh air than the stale air that was suffocating him, the pressure off his chest was gone allowing him to breath but the weight on his shoulders didn’t leave.

  
The bag pressed down on his shoulders, digging into his skin as he biked through Sendai to the park than again, where was he going to rent a bike? He didn’t know the area well enough to even consider that question which made his gut twist painfully in realization as to how unprepared he was and honestly, if he died, maybe he wouldn’t feel this settling dread anymore because right now. A cheery voice snapped him out of his thoughts and nearly sent Shouyou tumbling into the ground but only gripped his bike handlebars tighter.

  
“Chibi-chan! “ Oikawa chirped, and if Shouyou could throw up anything other than bile he would have spat out his breakfast as to how – the hell Oikawa was so calm about this and he was on the verge of a mental breakdown. A bag was slung over his shoulder, hands in the white coat he wore with a gleeful smile that Shouyou swore would be the end of him, but he had to control his gay heart or might as well arrange his funeral as to how bad this would go.

  
“Hello Oikawa-san, ” Shouyou greeted, flashing a smile through his inner turmoil. He really hoped his pain didn’t show through it, that would involve him having to do an explanation as to why he was being this way. “I was – uh, having trouble renting a bike so I mean.” He began, looking to the ground, “you can ride with me seeing as I only have one.”

  
Oikawa perked up, equally surprised but soon fell into his normal grin, walking over with a pep is in step before stopping right at the back of the bike, “are you sure you’re strong enough to bike both of us? Seeing as you seem to be faltering over the weight of your bag,” he said teasingly.

  
Shouyou made an indignant squawking noise – that he was not proud off – “yes! Of course I can,” he stated, quite offended at the assumption. “Just get on and I’ll prove you wrong Oikawa-san, ” Shouyou declared, puffing up his chest much like a rooster would. Earning a bubbled laugh from the setter that made the rose in his chest start to bloom through the frost covering it.

Oikawa got onto the bike, leaning back on it with hands wrapped around Shouyou much to his displeasure and joy as he began to take off on the stone path. Feeling the small bumps from running over loose gravel, and rocks that were thrown askew. Yet, it was somewhat natural and Shouyou began to hum “Where No One Goes” from how to train your dragon, a favorite movie of his. If Oikawa heard him, he didn’t mind, he only let his golden orbs flutter around the park.

  
“Chibi-chan, ” Oikawa sang, making Shouyou's eyebrow twitch as he reluctantly casted a look back at the setter, “what song are you humming? It sounds familiar, ” he asked. Leaning closer till his head rested on the orange haired mess, as Shouyou fought hard to not began blushing a furious red and ask him to move so he wouldn’t be dying.

  
“Its Where No One Goes, you probably heard it in How to Train Your Dragon the second movie, “ Shouyou explained, having giving up fighting the blush creeping up his cheeks. “I like the series…a lot.”  
The setter seemed to brighten, more so for the fact he found out something the middle blocker likes than volleyball. “Oh! That series is good but I like Star Wars and Star Trek more because they have cool concepts, ” he boasted.

  
“Star Wars is good! I like the new movies – but my least favorite are 1 and 2, like seriously. Just, a pretty bad filler honestly. 3 was okay, it showed the way he turned into Dark Vader and it was cool! Ray is also amazing, though she seems like a Mary-sue in the, in the beginning. I like Finn though! Sad that Han Solo died, especially by the hands of his own son.“

Shouyou ranted off much to Oikawa's pleasure about somebody actually knowing about the Star Wars series because that was often rare, or never. Considering it was often a English movie that he just put subtitles on.

  
“Yeah she was at the beginning, but I think they leveled her out a bit when she got captured, “ he pointed out before going back to looking back forward. Discreetly not hiding the small humming admitting from the rumbling of vocal cords that vibrated Shouyou's body. Who had given up hiding his embarrassed blush, but taken to gazing at the scenery instead.

  
Tranquility, it was terribly nice. That’s what it felt like. He hadn’t been this calm in a while with rather anybody, somehow though, it settled into his bones. It was an ever so presence in the back off his mind, raindrops and coffee mornings out on the deck being curled up on the couch, soft piano playing from his phone that had multiple scratches yet no cracks. Baked foods being made from the kitchen. The pleasure of curling up and reading with Hikaru laying across his chest or on the edge of his feet, with the fireplace on casting a glow throughout the area.

 

And he began to relax. Easing into a steady conversation with a steady high tone of voice. Laughing along to the dorky phrase or paraphrased thing Oikawa started. Or the long rants on astronomy or physics through the bike ride. The volleyball bag didn’t seem to mind him anymore, considering they probably weren’t going to play it but just chat instead.

  
Conversation was okay, fine with him. It made the soreness dip away, the flames at his feet simmer down into the coals. It was nice to have a conversation with someone, without putting up such a façade.

  
It was nice. And he finally managed an ear to ear smile that made the frost disintegrate in his chest.

 

 

 

EXTRA (Aoba Johsai is suffering, fucking help them)

 

 

“Hey Iwaizumi, I'll give you $5 to see if you can knock the captain out of his lovesick trance, ” Matsukawa called from the other side of the net after seeing Oikawa, try, to stick his head in the game. This had been going on for a month, and the team just wanted this to end. With how dazed and awkward he would just stare, hell, you could wave your hand in front of him and he wouldn’t even respond.

  
“You don’t even have to give me $5,” Iwaizumi called, casting a look over his shoulder at them, “I’ll do it for free.” Walking over to the volleyball cart and grabbing one, before aiming head on at the back of Oikawa's head. Nearly sending him flat on the ground before he finally snapped out of it and turned too Iwaizumi, retorting a quick “Iwa-chan!” Only to get a harsh glare sent at him, and him shutting up instinctively.  
Iwaizumi sighed, pinching the bridge of his noise with annoyance, “just…I swear…just ask him to be your boyfriend.”

  
“But I can’t!” the setter wailed and the team collectively groaned. _“Here we go again,”_ they thought grimly. “I can’t just rush it on him! I don’t know if he'll appreciate that and I’m serious about it this time! I don’t want him to be pressured or – just –“ he trailed off. Ending with a sigh and a pat on the back from Hanamaki who somehow had sanity left.

  
“Just, go for it, ” Hanamaki said. A small _please_ under it that Oikawa failed to pick up but the team did.

  
“Yeah! If he rejects it then you can get over it, ” Matsukawa said, slinging a arm around Oikawa. “You’ve gotten over plenty of breakups before so this won’t be any different.”

  
“Yes it will, ” Oikawa exclaimed. Crossing his arms like a child not getting candy from the store, a huff escaping him. “I just, don’t want to rush him – but than again he looks so adorable and cute. Even if there seems to be a lot of silence behind his eyes that doesn’t meet the eyes.”

  
“Shut up so we can get back to the game before are sanity is gone.” Iwaizumi hissed.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel guilty its short. I swear next chapter will be cracking open a few things, like ahem. Oikawa diving into Hinata's problems. Noticing them more, so it'll be Oikawa centered. 
> 
> I actually came up with a creative fanfic idea that me and my friend are working on, so i mean, i actually cant wait to start that. 
> 
> Fun fact; Shi has always been around since he was actually his imaginative friend but disappeared till his metal health got worse and came back. Basically is his friend(?) Also Shi means death in Japanese and Hikaru means light. 
> 
> I need to sleep more.


End file.
